Diary of a Devilcat: How to be helpful

Ha! Chenna here. I’m back! It’s taken a great deal of coaxing and smooching, but Ellen has finally let me back near the keyboard . . . er, that is, she’s letting me type something rather than merely batting me away (rather ineffectually, I might add).

Today it’s time for a little lesson in how to be helpful — specifically with whatever computer-based project your human might be engaged with. Those humans — especially mine — spend an inordinate amount of time sitting at computers. The least we felines can do is become engaged with their work.

This brings me to Devilcat Tip #2:

Always take a keen interest, get as close as possible, and don’t take ‘no’ for an answer.

What you’ve got to remember is that the humans think they don’t need our help. They’re deluded of course, stark raving. So it’s our duty to show unconditional support and make them see how helpful we can be.

The first step is a no-brainer — get thee up on top of the desk. You can’t do much from the floor. You’ve got to be up around eye-level. Get in your human’s line of sight. Block her view of the computer screen. Shove your wet nose in her face. That’s how you show you care.

What? You already do this? Okay, I told you it was a no-brainer. I suppose next you’ll be telling me you already force your way onto your human’s lap as well. That’s so obvious.

Now I’m going to reveal how a Devilcat does it.

Sure, there’s the time-old tradition of lapwarming. This is particularly helpful to humans during Winter — but make sure you knead well the lap first, and take up so much space your human ends up squinting at the screen. And, if you have the chance, rest your head on her wrist while she’s trying to type.

But that’s not the best advice I have to offer. This is it. Find the optimum position on the desk from which you can reach your human’s mouse hand. And whenever you get the opportunity, STRIKE! Teeth or claws, it doesn’t matter. STRIKE STRIKE STIRIKE. Time and again until the blood is running.

You might be surprised to know that it takes a lot to get your human to move. I tell you, they are glued to those computers! You’d think they’d take the hint and abandon their task when suffering a Devilcat to torture their hand. But no. Sometimes Ellen swears at me. Occasionally she wrestles me to the floor. (This is of course pointless. It only results in me drawing more blood, and leaping back onto the table channelling the demon madness.) But all the while she keeps going with whatever it is she’s doing that has her tap tap tapping. Until suddenly she can’t bear it any more.

And this is how I’m being helpful. Humans have back problems, neck problems, eye problems, obesity problems, fitness problems — all from spending too much time on computers! It is my mandate as a Devilcat to make her get up from that computer and do something other than tap tap tap.

So what do you all reckon? Do you have similar experiences to mine? Any Devilcats at your house?

PS – (Simon’s Cat has the right idea in the video ‘Cat and Mouse’ but he’s still a bit of a pussy.)

18 comments

  1. LOL, really enjoyed this post! I have no devilcats at the moment, but I do have 2 very persistent chihuahuas that do their best to entice me away from the computer. If they’re not snoozing on my lap as I type, they’re in ‘play & distract’ mode … which is very, well, distracting and delightful!

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  2. Dear Chenna,
    I am taking your advice and will begin implementing it as soon as possible. You are a devilcat GENIUS.
    Sincerely,
    Flapjack

    (please don’t tell Laird I was on the internet without permission.)

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  3. HaHa. Loved this post. Go Devilcat. Keep that human off-balance. Get her to pay attention to YOU. After all, who does all the entertaining work in the house? The human? Nah. Not a chance.

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  4. No cats here. Hub and daughter have allergies. BUT, Tuck the Portuguese Water dog can’t stand when I work. I tend to type with my laptop in my lap and he comes over, after drinking from his bowl and getting his hair soaked with water, and lays his chin across the keys and my hand. When I tell him to move, he does but not before shaking his head so not only do my screen and keys get wet but I need a towel so I can see. I wish I didn’t love him so much. He looks so pathetic when I tell him to move that I end up deserting my work and lying on the floor with him telling him that he’s the best doggie in the world. I think I beat out Simon’s cat in my pussy-ness (so to speak).

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  5. Lol, yep, my devil cat, Enzo, is right now casing my desk chair planning the best route into my lap. He’s way too much of a distraction when I’m in the throes of “real” work, not the least of which is because he’s such a hefty fellow he cuts the flow of blood in my legs when he parks himself in my lap. It’s so crazy how we put up with all the devil cat behavior just because having a cat’s love and affection is such a coveted goal. (Aka, if a cat decides to keep you as their favorite human, you know you’re really accomplished something BIG.)

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  6. Dear Chenna,
    You are seriously our collective hero. What you get away with in a day’s time is truly impressive. Our humans won’t tolerate much in the way of keyboard antics. They are MUCH too serious about their laptops. We personally think they need to chill out a bit and not be so worried about extraneous letters on the screen or blood on the keys. Humans can be SO picky.

    Keep up the good work!

    Signed,
    Ollie and Henry

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    1. Not a cat person?!?!
      And let me tell you if my Devilcat gets published before I do, I will . . . I will . . . Oh, OK, will probably still love her and let her sleep on my bed 🙂

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