Nah. No way!
She damn well deserves the full devilcat treatment after halting my therapy in such an unceremonious manner. No wonder I’m so feral! I mean, here I was, going along fine with my very own blog, thank you very much, when suddenly I’m not allowed to use the computer any more. No explanation. Just a big fat no-you-have-to-stay-on-the-floor-now.
Well, rat-poo to that. As if she could keep me on the floor, anyway! But no matter how many times I sat on the keyboard chewing her wrist, or stuck my nose in her face as she tried to type, she hasn’t relented in two years.
But now I’m back, and I’ve saved up so many amazing devilcat stories to share with you all, that Ellen had better watch those wrists as I fight my way to the keyboard. If I have my way, I’ll get to post every Monday and shock you all with tales (and tails) of mayhem and murder. [Ed. The devilcat is wishful thinking.]
Speaking of murder… Let’s get the ball rolling with my most recent deeds of devilcat daring do.
There are these rats that live outside somewhere and seem to think it’s OK to run along the fence in my garden. If you ask me, they’re just asking for trouble when there’s a, you know, DEVILCAT watching them. I watch them for a bit, gauge their speed, their favourite routes, the tiny hidey-holes where I can’t reach them. And I time my attack purrfectly.
No-one’s gonna miss a few stupid rats, now, are they? (Well, OK, I admit I’m picking them off one at a time.)
You might be thinking this is purrfectly normal feline behaviour. And it is. But right here I’m going to reveal my new Devilcat Tip #1:
“A devilcat always leaves dead rodents (preferably disembowelled) where they might be stepped on by unsuspecting humans.”
You got that? Good.
My favourite trick is to leave them on the bedroom floor sometime during the early hours of the morning. Only after I’ve played with them for an hour or so, of course, their guts spilling over the floor, droplets of blood decorating the floorboards…
The best place so far has been right in the bedroom doorway, and blessed-catgods did Ellen shriek! The one last week, right next to the bed, got a pretty good reaction too.
Makes me want to go catch another one, right now… [Ed. Oh no, please no!]
While I’m out doing that, why don’t you share with me your favourite places to leave dead rodents? We could have a competition to see who can get their humans to shriek the loudest, or something. And don’t forget to come back next week, when I’ll have another cool story and devilcat tip!