Diary of a Devilcat: What to do with rodents

Hi, I’m Chenna, and I’m SO EXCITED that Ellen has once more unleashed my blogging prowess after two years of keyboard banishment, that I’m of half a mind to be good.

Nah. No way!

She damn well deserves the full devilcat treatment after halting my therapy in such an unceremonious manner. No wonder I’m so feral! I mean, here I was, going along fine with my very own blog, thank you very much, when suddenly I’m not allowed to use the computer any more. No explanation. Just a big fat no-you-have-to-stay-on-the-floor-now.

Well, rat-poo to that. As if she could keep me on the floor, anyway! But no matter how many times I sat on the keyboard chewing her wrist, or stuck my nose in her face as she tried to type, she hasn’t relented in two years.

But now I’m back, and I’ve saved up so many amazing devilcat stories to share with you all, that Ellen had better watch those wrists as I fight my way to the keyboard. If I have my way, I’ll get to post every Monday and shock you all with tales (and tails) of mayhem and murder. [Ed. The devilcat is wishful thinking.]

Speaking of murder… Let’s get the ball rolling with my most recent deeds of devilcat daring do.

There are these rats that live outside somewhere and seem to think it’s OK to run along the fence in my garden. If you ask me, they’re just asking for trouble when there’s a, you know, DEVILCAT watching them. I watch them for a bit, gauge their speed, their favourite routes, the tiny hidey-holes where I can’t reach them. And I time my attack purrfectly.

No-one’s gonna miss a few stupid rats, now, are they? (Well, OK, I admit I’m picking them off one at a time.)

You might be thinking this is purrfectly normal feline behaviour. And it is. But right here I’m going to reveal my new Devilcat Tip #1:

“A devilcat always leaves dead rodents (preferably disembowelled) where they might be stepped on by unsuspecting humans.”

You got that? Good.

My favourite trick is to leave them on the bedroom floor sometime during the early hours of the morning. Only after I’ve played with them for an hour or so, of course, their guts spilling over the floor, droplets of blood decorating the floorboards…

The best place so far has been right in the bedroom doorway, and blessed-catgods did Ellen shriek! The one last week, right next to the bed, got a pretty good reaction too.

Makes me want to go catch another one, right now… [Ed. Oh no, please no!]

While I’m out doing that, why don’t you share with me your favourite places to leave dead rodents? We could have a competition to see who can get their humans to shriek the loudest, or something. And don’t forget to come back next week, when I’ll have another cool story and devilcat tip!

10 comments

  1. Seriously, dude, if we want to get any treats from these insipid humans we co-habitate with, we have to cut back on our murderous tendencies. Are we sell-outs? Maybe. But those tuna bits sure are tasty. And a lot less messy. ~Best Regards, Ollie and Henry

    P.S. We prefer to drive the humans crazy by losing every one of our collars and name tags that they buy for us. If we had a dime for everytime we came in the house “naked” (as they humans like to say) about it, we’d be rich enough to buy our own damn laptop and blog whenever we feel like it. Come to think of it, that’s not a bad idea…

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  2. I’m not good at writing in first person cat, so it’ll have to be human… when my Dad ran a machine shop, we adopted an abandoned cat who was the best mouser I’ve ever seen – her favorite actually being ground squirrels. My dad was underneath a tractor one day, overhauling the engine, when he felt something staring at him. He looked up and discovered the cat, complete with dead ground squirrel, had worked her way from the top of the tractor down through the engine and was waiting patiently for him to approve of her catch.

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  3. It’s not just cats that leave the bloody animals for us humans to see. I recall my neighbor from growing up going out in the morning for a swim (she had an pool, obviously) and finding streaks of red and then either a rodent or a rabbit at the bottom of the pool. This was a regular occurrence. Yuck! I love that you let Devilcat speak again. His voice is entertaining and engaging.

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